Sorrowful Mother

My infant son was born unexpectedly sick and lived for three months. My older children were six and eight years old when baby Thomas died. The Christmas holiday following his death felt jumbled, confusing, and conflicting for me on the inside. I didn’t have the words to describe my emotions and thoughts. Outwardly, I carried on mothering my two live children. 

About a year later, I discovered the Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who had lost children. This is when I began to understand my experiences. I began to use words to describe the misery within me. One word summed it up: grief.

I began to express my grief feelings on paper through journaling, through sharing and listening in the support group, and by making art. The painting I am holding in this photo is called a Touch Drawing, a process created by Deborah Koff Chapin. 

 This expressive arts practice invited me to allow shapes and images to flow through me; from my heart, not my thinking mind. As I painted, I felt baby Thomas with me. I felt the loss of his being, his smell, and the preciousness of his little body. I experienced deep sorrow. I painted a whole series of Sorrowful Mother, finding solace in the process.

Many people celebrate the birth of Jesus or light or new beginnings at this time of year. I often feel moments of sorrow. The intensity of these moments of sorrow have softened with time, in large part because they have been safely expressed.