Store Trigger

Shopping with my daughter has always been enjoyable and swift. We knew what we were shopping for, collected garments, and proceeded to the dressing room where I sat with the pile of clothing, taking items off and putting them back on the hangers, oohing, ahhing, laughing, and admiring. Decisions and purchases were easily made and we left the shopping expedition happily.

Shopping with my son, on the other hand, was a mixture of searching and uncertainty. It was laborious, tedious, sometimes humorous, and ultimately frustrating. The looking and trying on clothing seemed endless. Finally, my son made choices. A day or two later, returns needed to be made because, once home, he no longer liked the fit, color, or style he had chosen. 

I write in the past tense. As a child, my daughter shopped as described and has continued this way into adulthood. She has always been decisive and certain. My son shopped as described until his death in his early twenties.

 Today I went into a store that we had all shopped in together all those years ago. Leaving through an exit adjacent to the entrance, I walked through the men’s department. Those shopping memories with my son unexpectedly flooded my mind and heart and tears erupted from my eyes. I found a quiet place to sit down and collect myself.

I felt trapped. I had to go through the men’s department to reach the entrance to get to my car. I sat some more and thought about the store and being so shaken up. I did some deep breathing. And I asked my son to help me feel calmer and more peaceful walking through that department. I asked him for courage and to give me a sign that he was with me.

Up I went and began walking through the men’s department. I looked up and saw the store’s message: Give Love. Sure it is all decked out in red for the holidays. Nevertheless, the color red is also a sign to me as it was my son’s favorite color. 

Give Love in red. Well, my heart opened up and lightened up, I smiled, and accepted the message as a beautiful, reassuring sign.