My Interview with Yoga Love Magazine

WHAT IS YOUR PERSONAL STORY OF TRANSFORMING TO JOY?

My son, Adam, was an outgoing and likable person. During his teens he began using alcohol and drugs. It escalated into addiction. As a single mom, I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame, embarrassment and anxiety. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t control or fix him and his behaviors. What was wrong with me? I was definitely a ‘bad’ mother.

Adam’s behaviors connected with his addiction led to arrests even before he graduated from high school. His probation officer repeatedly encouraged me to go to Al-Anon meetings; a support group for people who worried about someone else's drinking.

Well, I finally went to an Al-Anon meeting and learned about the 3C’s; I hadn’t caused nor could I cure or control someone else’s drinking or drugging. I sobbed and sobbed. I would say that it was in those moments that a new way of life opened for me.

I began to look at my reaction to Adam’s behaviors. I began to learn that I could actually pause and reflect before saying anything to him. I could see and feel the difference between reacting and responding to him. When I reacted, fear was at the root. Fear of losing him. Fear for his future. And deep sorrow at the loss of his enormous potential. When I paused and reflected, I could respond to him. I could respond with greater thoughtfulness and love.

I felt better about myself when I responded with love. It wasn’t easy. I was not always consistent with responding with love. I often fell back into reacting with fear. But I persisted. And I was not alone. I had trusted friends to talk to to help me reason things out.

I learned to take care of myself; body, mind, heart, and spirit. And I began to apply responding with love to all parts of my life. It wasn’t limited to my relationship with my son.

HOW DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF?

When I feel a ‘charge’ or a feeling of unease, I find the time to explore the feeling, usually beginning with morning journaling. It often feels uncomfortable and messy. I question what triggered the ‘charge’ and follow the thread. Fear is usually at the root. This happened recently when I felt anger about someone’s behavior and how it impacted another. I felt so mad! (And anger doesn't often come up for me.) Anyway, I wrote out all of my worries and fears I held for the person and also explored whether I needed to take any action. Then I placed the slip of paper into a Let It Be Box, releasing my worries and fears. Rituals like this help me process things as they come up. They help me honor the challenges, face the discomfort or pain, take action when needed, and let them be.

The need for self-care also pops up for me when I feel overwhelmed. I work at detangling the messy experience by exploring what is happening in my body, what thoughts are streaming in my mind, naming my feelings, and finally, what is happening within my spiritual being. Then I practice self-care for each part of me. Yoga for the body, writing to make sense of my thoughts, being in nature to sort out my feelings, and meditation to commune with spirit. Of course, there is a beautiful overlap within these practices.

TODAY, WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE PRACTICES?

Morning journaling, being in nature, creating things, and cultivating trusted friends form the foundation of my happy living. I feel grateful for the life experiences- including the painful ones -that have opened my heart to deeper compassion. Compassion for myself and all sentient beings, small and large.

HOW DO YOU CULTIVATE JOY?

Ahhh, for me joy is rooted in my self-care, being able to name what is happening within my body, mind, heart, and spirit. Expressing myself in words and through color and art is essential for me.

My son, Adam, did briefly find sobriety and then died driving drunk. (Fortunately, no one else was hurt.) After his death, I made a painting in his memory and called it Adam’s Red. Several years later, I wrote our story. The book is called Transforming to Joy; Responding to My Son’s Struggle with Addiction. The design on the book’s cover is a lotus in the Adam’s Red design. I did not plan the painting, the book, and the book’s cover design ahead of time. Each expression unfolded naturally. I followed my intuition.

So self-care, self-expression, and finally gratitude are the ways I cultivate joy. After Adam’s death I felt no joy or gratitude. I was fully exhausted and barely functioning. But I made myself go outside and walk even for 10 minutes each day. And I made myself notice the beauty in nature. I didn’t really feel gratitude in my heart. But I could notice the beauty without the happy heart feeling.

Opportunities for healing continually arise and will until I take my last breath. Self-care is key in healing and living in joy. When I cultivate gratitude by noticing the small blessings within each day, joy naturally fills my heart.

Lisa provides grief support for individuals and groups. Learn more about her services and books at https://www.respondingtogrief.com/